IT'S BEEN SINCE WE'VE SEEN OUR TRASH CANS

THE POWER ELITE HAS CONSPIRED TO ROB US OF OUR RIGHTFUL GARBAGE RECEPTACLES

THEY ARE OPERATING IN HAMBURG AND THEY KNOW WHERE YOU ALL OF US LIVE

THEY KNOW WHERE WE:
BUY GROCERIES
EAT THE GROCERIES WE _BUY
AND DISPOSE OF OUR GROCERIES AFTER WE ARE FINISHED WITH SAID GROCERIES

We gonna blow up?

For the people of Hamburg New York, the sun rose behind a blanket of rainclouds on the morning of Wednesday, July 17. For our trash cans, the sun might never rise again.

Because, reader and presumed Save Our Cans conspiracy sympathizer, they were nowhere to be found on that fateful morning. Not even after conducting both a cursory and a half-hearted search of the perimeter.

We thought it was merely a petty theft-an act of passive aggression from our neighbors or maybe even our landlord. Maybe an act of revenge. Maybe a kidnapping. Perhaps a hostage situation. At most, we expected to receive a ransom note or two, cut from recent editions of the Hamburg Sun and Reader's Digest, accompanied by photos of our cans in uncomfortable situations (for example full of very small, oily fish or ditched on the side of the highway or attending a dinner party at which they knew no one nor found anything appetizing at the buffet table to eat).

Weeks passed and we continued to suspect everyone, draw hasty conclusions, speculate wildly and walk in circles around the plaza in search of our trash cans. We accused our neighbors of theft and ruminated on pre-conceived nötions about the neighborhood teens. We even held up a mirror to ourselves-were we the victims of our own deluded trust in the facade of impervious safety and comfort of small-town America?

We looked hard at that mirror. We looked hard at ourselves. But we couldn't find anything in our teeth.

That's because it's not our teeth we should've been looking at. We should have been looking right into the mouth of America. Today we are certain that the faith we've put in our ideals and protections AND VALUES AND VERY BELIEF SYSTEM HAVE BEEN CO-OPTED AND are ROTTING from the ROOT> This is no longer your case of garden variety gingivitis. The gingiva of our country has crumbled and all of our dentists are COMPLICIT OR LOOKING THE OTHER WAY.

We encourage you to follow along with our investigation and judge the evidence for yourself.


HIIIII
HIIIII

THE INVESTIGATION


Trashed: A Theft on Lake Street
Trashed: A Hostage Situation
Trashed: A Fair to Remember

A LETTER FROM THE VICTIMS

Dear Save Our Cans Conspiracy Sympathizer,

For most people, trash day is a relatively innocuous day of the week. For many, it's a relief-an opportunity to get rid of trash so they can accumulate more trash. For us, it is a kick in the gut when we're already down, a Sarah McLaughlin "Arms of An Angel" MSPCA sad puppy commercial played on a continuous loop in a confined space from which we can't escape.

We have recently had a traumatic experience that has deflated the spirit of trash day for the rest of our lives.

OUR TRASH CANS ARE MISSING, I REPEAT OUR TRASH CANS

ARE      MISSING

AND ARE NOW CAUGHT IN A CONSPIRATORIAL WEB ORCHESTRATED BY WHAT WE CAaaN ONLY ASSUME IS THE POWER ELITE OPERATING AT A HYPER-LOCAL LEVEL.

We appreciate everyone who has reached out with kind words of support but we're actually pretty disappointed that none of you have started raising money for new cans or a team of highly-trained private investigators. We're not looking for handouts here but, let's face it, truth is money and money is trash!

You're withholding sympathy aside, the fact that the mysterious disappearance of our cans hasn't made local or, at the very least, national headlines leads us to believe that there's something else going on—something beyond our control.

So. We ask you. We beg you. Why is no one looking into this?

We have conducted as much of an investigation as we possibly could not for our own entertainment, but to INFORM and PROTECT American people and businesses who may be at risk.

If the cover-up is too big to crack, we urge you to stay vigilant. Protect your cans at all costs. We suggest tethering them (preferably with a chain) to an immovable object, such as a post in concrete, or installing an alarm system that is triggered by very slight movement. It is possible that the POWER ELITE has harnessed the power of sonar to orchestrate these disappearances. IF YOUR ALARM SYSTEM CANNOT DETECT SONAR, UV OR RADIOACTIVITY YOU ARE NOT PREPARE%D.

IF YOU THINK WE ARE BEING OVERLY CAUTIOUS, PARANOID, ERRATIC, OR CLINICALLY ILL JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU
R CANS ARE TARGETED.

Thank you again for your support. And remember, keep your friends close and your enemies closest and your trash cans in your field of vision at all times.

00100101001010%_),

The Quilted Squirrel Staff

THE THEORIES

Our next-door neighbors and our landlords are colluding in a conspiracy to get us out of our space. They're holding our cans hostage and have specifically asked us to "stop targeting them with false claims" to deter us from further investigating.

The dentist at the other end of our plaza has stolen them to optimize his teeth storage.

George W. Bush is solely responsible.

A group of rogue local feminists used them to burn their bras and then trashed the evidence in the parking lot of the Hobby Lobby in the McKinley Mall as an act of protest. Feminists hate Hobby Lobby for obvious reasons.

The raid on Area 51 was orchestrated as an elaborate distraction from the theft of our trash cans. We're currently trying to contact the organizer of the Hamburg Branch of the Area 51 Raid Committee for questioning. We suspect he is a 20.5 year-old male with ill-fitting clothing, a patchy goatee, contents of no less than four Red Bell energy drinks coursing through his veins at all time and the Axe body spray he wore to junior prom stored in his sock drawer as a memento. His first and middle name will be Kyle. What does he want from us?

The Village of Hamburg. They've been all over us about our cans for months. Well, it was really just the one time we received a "notice" for having too much trash in our cans, but the notice was harshly worded (a standard check-box style tag they affixed to our cans). This happened once, and I've been skeptical of them ever since. And here we are now, with no cans. Coincidence?

We stole our own trash cans as a PR stunt and it's worked so well that we haven't called it off.

Someone is currently working on a Guinness World Record for the most trash cans full of homemade pickles. We doubt this is the case, however, because we haven't noticed any other cases of missing cans and a feat like this would require multiple trash cans and therefore, multiple thefts.

Our water has been poisoned with dangerous vibrations. When we ingest the vibrations, they interfere with our brains ability to send visual information to our occipital lobe, thus inhibiting ocular comprehension and manipulating our grasp with three-dimensional reality to prevent us from seeing things are right in front of our eyes, like conspiracies.

Two words: chem. Trails.

The trash can lobby. You know, BIG TRASH. It could be a systematic removal of cans across the country, in an effort to boost trash can sales nationwide. It, of course, begs the question, "why us?"" but I guess that's what a thorough investigation might reveal.


Have you seen our CANS?

Have you SEEN a BIRD THAT Might be A GOVERNMENT DRONE?

Report SIGHTINGS HERE and remember YOU ARE NOT DREAMING. IT'S AMERICA WHO NEEDS TO WAKE. UP.#

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