THE POWER ELITE HAS CONSPIRED TO ROB US OF OUR RIGHTFUL GARBAGE RECEPTACLES
THEY ARE OPERATING IN HAMBURG AND THEY KNOW WHERE
YOU ALL OF US LIVE
THEY KNOW WHERE WE:
EAT THE GROCERIES WE _BUY
AND DISPOSE OF OUR GROCERIES AFTER WE ARE FINISHED WITH SAID GROCERIES
For the people of Hamburg New York, the sun rose behind a blanket of rainclouds on the morning of Wednesday, July 17. For our trash cans, the sun might never rise again.
Because, reader and presumed Save Our Cans conspiracy sympathizer, they were nowhere to be found on that fateful morning. Not even after conducting both a cursory and a half-hearted search of the perimeter.
We thought it was merely a petty theft-an act of passive aggression from our neighbors or maybe even our landlord. Maybe an act of revenge. Maybe a kidnapping. Perhaps a hostage situation. At most, we expected to receive a ransom note or two, cut from recent editions of the Hamburg Sun and Reader's Digest, accompanied by photos of our cans in uncomfortable situations (for example full of very small, oily fish or ditched on the side of the highway or attending a dinner party at which they knew no one nor found anything appetizing at the buffet table to eat).
Weeks passed and we continued to suspect everyone, draw hasty conclusions, speculate wildly and walk in circles around the plaza in search of our trash cans. We accused our neighbors of theft and ruminated on pre-conceived nötions about the neighborhood teens. We even held up a mirror to ourselves-were we the victims of our own deluded trust in the facade of impervious safety and comfort of small-town America?
We looked hard at that mirror. We looked hard at ourselves. But we couldn't find anything in our teeth.
That's because it's not our teeth we should've been looking at. We should have been looking right into the mouth of America. Today we are certain that the faith we've put in our ideals and protections AND VALUES AND VERY BELIEF SYSTEM HAVE BEEN CO-OPTED AND are ROTTING from the ROOT> This is no longer your case of garden variety gingivitis. The gingiva of our country has crumbled and all of our dentists are COMPLICIT OR LOOKING THE OTHER WAY.
We encourage you to follow along with our investigation and judge the evidence for yourself.
Dear Save Our Cans Conspiracy Sympathizer,
For most people, trash day is a relatively innocuous day of the week. For many, it's a relief-an opportunity to get rid of trash so they can accumulate more trash. For us, it is a kick in the gut when we're already down, a Sarah McLaughlin "Arms of An Angel" MSPCA sad puppy commercial played on a continuous loop in a confined space from which we can't escape.
We have recently had a traumatic experience that has deflated the spirit of trash day for the rest of our lives.
OUR TRASH CANS ARE MISSING, I REPEAT OUR TRASH CANS
AND ARE NOW CAUGHT IN A CONSPIRATORIAL WEB ORCHESTRATED BY WHAT WE CAaaN ONLY ASSUME IS THE POWER ELITE OPERATING AT A HYPER-LOCAL LEVEL.
We appreciate everyone who has reached out with kind words of support but we're actually pretty disappointed that none of you have started raising money for new cans or a team of highly-trained private investigators. We're not looking for handouts here but, let's face it, truth is money and money is trash!
You're withholding sympathy aside, the fact that the mysterious disappearance of our cans hasn't made local or, at the very least, national headlines leads us to believe that there's something else going on—something beyond our control.
So. We ask you. We beg you. Why is no one looking into this?
We have conducted as much of an investigation as we possibly could not for our own entertainment, but to INFORM and PROTECT American people and businesses who may be at risk.
If the cover-up is too big to crack, we urge you to stay vigilant. Protect your cans at all costs. We suggest tethering them (preferably with a chain) to an immovable object, such as a post in concrete, or installing an alarm system that is triggered by very slight movement. It is possible that the POWER ELITE has harnessed the power of sonar to orchestrate these disappearances. IF YOUR ALARM SYSTEM CANNOT DETECT SONAR, UV OR RADIOACTIVITY YOU ARE NOT PREPARE%D.
IF YOU THINK WE ARE BEING OVERLY CAUTIOUS, PARANOID, ERRATIC, OR CLINICALLY ILL JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU
Thank you again for your support. And remember, keep your friends close and your enemies closest and your trash cans in your field of vision at all times.
The Quilted Squirrel Staff